E'scuse me, I'm gonna make this all about me for a sec 'cause Silkworm luckily isn't having an identity crisis like I am right now and I feel like it's something I need to share just in case any of you are going through the same thing. Hokey pokes, let's go.
I'm almost positive that if I was physically on Cloud 9, I'd miss everything because I'd be too concerned about what Cloud 10 is like or if perhaps, deceivingly, Cloud 8 has the fluffier dance floor.
After Hadley died this past Monday, I couldn't take anymore guilt about not doing anything good or productive while precisely nothing was stopping me. I've been holding myself back from living, lately, because I've been trying to be this impossible human bean composed of every single flawless trait hand-picked out of a sea of flawed people I adore. I've been afraid of making any sudden movements for fear they'd define me as someone I'm not trying to be--but just because I'm stifling those movements doesn't mean they're not there. Even the stifled movements are mine and they make me me whether I like it or not, and I suppose it's much easier to go about liking them than despising them.
I'm pretty neat, if I think about myself without interruption. Silkworm likes to try to reassure me constantly, but it only sounds true if I think about it myself. I can take cool pictures, I wear strange clothes from thrift shops, I can sort of play guitar and maybe write songs. I'm obnoxiously optimistic, thoroughly non-judgmental to the point of putting myself in danger now and again, and sometimes after a long day of social interaction, I get to go to bed to rest my worn-out painful smile muscles. And of course, my best friend is a magical stuffed bear. Top that.
Maybe I get nervous about making phone calls and maybe I'm a bit cowardly when it comes to adventures like visiting friends at college in New York City. Maybe I'm not all that witty or entertaining, and maybe I prefer one-way conversations because I never have a clue what to say in a two-way conversation until at least two days after it's ended. Maybe I'm just a listener and maybe I'm not such a fantastic in-person storyteller.
But those things are not wrong. They're ingredients in my formula, how could they possibly be wrong? They're simply not my favorite ingredients, and the second I start accepting I can't separate cocoa powder from raspberries once they've been mixed together is the second it's all going to get so much easier to just be.
Anyway, SW and I have a to-do list of a bunch of teeny big things to make me feel better that we're gonna get done in the next few days, and I wrote a song. (Click the video title link and read the description for the lyrics!)
Don't go measurin' stuffs you shouldn't be measurin', folks. You can call nut sailing your greatest achievement if it floats your boat.