Friday, November 21, 2014

Brain Says "Maybe Like Accept Yourself Possibly I Don't Know Let's Try It"

E'scuse me, I'm gonna make this all about me for a sec 'cause Silkworm luckily isn't having an identity crisis like I am right now and I feel like it's something I need to share just in case any of you are going through the same thing. Hokey pokes, let's go.



I'm almost positive that if I was physically on Cloud 9, I'd miss everything because I'd be too concerned about what Cloud 10 is like or if perhaps, deceivingly, Cloud 8 has the fluffier dance floor.

After Hadley died this past Monday, I couldn't take anymore guilt about not doing anything good or productive while precisely nothing was stopping me. I've been holding myself back from living, lately, because I've been trying to be this impossible human bean composed of every single flawless trait hand-picked out of a sea of flawed people I adore. I've been afraid of making any sudden movements for fear they'd define me as someone I'm not trying to be--but just because I'm stifling those movements doesn't mean they're not there. Even the stifled movements are mine and they make me me whether I like it or not, and I suppose it's much easier to go about liking them than despising them.

I'm pretty neat, if I think about myself without interruption. Silkworm likes to try to reassure me constantly, but it only sounds true if I think about it myself. I can take cool pictures, I wear strange clothes from thrift shops, I can sort of play guitar and maybe write songs. I'm obnoxiously optimistic, thoroughly non-judgmental to the point of putting myself in danger now and again, and sometimes after a long day of social interaction, I get to go to bed to rest my worn-out painful smile muscles. And of course, my best friend is a magical stuffed bear. Top that.

Maybe I get nervous about making phone calls and maybe I'm a bit cowardly when it comes to adventures like visiting friends at college in New York City. Maybe I'm not all that witty or entertaining, and maybe I prefer one-way conversations because I never have a clue what to say in a two-way conversation until at least two days after it's ended. Maybe I'm just a listener and maybe I'm not such a fantastic in-person storyteller.

But those things are not wrong. They're ingredients in my formula, how could they possibly be wrong? They're simply not my favorite ingredients, and the second I start accepting I can't separate cocoa powder from raspberries once they've been mixed together is the second it's all going to get so much easier to just be.

Anyway, SW and I have a to-do list of a bunch of teeny big things to make me feel better that we're gonna get done in the next few days, and I wrote a song. (Click the video title link and read the description for the lyrics!)



Don't go measurin' stuffs you shouldn't be measurin', folks. You can call nut sailing your greatest achievement if it floats your boat.

23 comments:

  1. "I've been holding myself back from living, lately, because I've been trying to be this impossible human bean composed of every single flawless trait hand-picked out of a sea of flawed people I adore."

    YES. This is so me! And relate to this post so well. I see all the best parts of everyone around me and then ask myself why I'm not all of those things, like I'm expecting myself to be an emotional Frankenstein - all cut and pasted together. That's not natural, not possible. Everyone has different traits and they can all be helpful and not helpful in different situations.

    I've been focusing on loving myself, talking nicely to myself. Saying three positive things per every negative thing. And it's really helped! I haven't been comparing myself so much.

    I hope you are able to get past this, because I think you're really, really insanely cool.

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    1. It's always nice to hear, in a weird kind of unfortunate way, when people are on the same page of lostness with you. :) I hope you find your way out, too! I'll be right here if ya ever feel like talking about stuff.

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  2. I love this song. You have a beautiful voice <3 And... our imperfections are what makes humans so awesome and interesting. Sometimes they're good things, sometimes they're bad things. When you're looking at other people's perfections and trying to show those parts of yourself, all you're doing is idealizing what perfect is based on what you feel about what other people are doing, and then trying to model your life on that. It's not a bad thing to do as long as you let it fall apart when it's ready to do so, so you can start walking another direction.

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    1. I like that perspective so much. I'm understanding that it basically means what you think "perfect" is actually says a lot about you even though you aren't those things. I guess then we could get into all kinds of discussions about hypocritical stuff and everything, but I like this better so I'm gonna Internet hug you.

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  3. "Daring greatly is not about winning or losing. It's about courage. In a world where scarcity and shame dominate and feeling afraid has become second nature, vulnerability is subversive. Uncomfortable. It's even a little dangerous at times. And, without question, putting ourselves out there means there's a far greater risk of feeling hurt. But as I look back on my own life and what daring greatly has meant to me, I can honestly say that nothing is as uncomfortable, dangerous, and hurtful as believing that I'm standing on the outside of my life looking in and wondering what it would be like if I had the courage to show up and let myself be seen."

    ~ Brene Brown, from her book "Daring Greatly"

    I would encourage you, my sweet friend, to be yourself, and also to be brave to discover the vast immense beauty of who you are becoming : ) Much love!

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    1. Aaaand that book is going on my to-read list. Thank you so much, Lyssa!

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  4. oh my goodness. Carly, seriously. you are one of the coolest people in the world. i just have to stop for a minute and go crazy over that song. it was so. beautiful. and all the feeling in your voice... the fact that you wrote it yourself... wow.
    i totally hear what you're saying. being nervous over adventures, talking on the phone, not being witty or able to have answers in conversations until later (really, everything you said)... that's me right there. and i'm sure we're not the only ones, but then at the same time, you're uniquely you in everything you do.
    you're awesome and a huge inspiration to myself. keep it up gal. you're so. cool.

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    1. I can definitely tell I'm part of a little community that might not know it's a community but nevertheless there are so many people who feel the same way and I'm not alone or silly or wrong. Thank you for this, Abigail, you're the sweetest. <3

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  5. Carly you are so grand. I relate to this on so many levels, and you are amazing enough to post it. I think about things like this more times than not but, it's very hard to speak about. Thinking about everything like ingredients is a good way to put it, really really good way. Thank you for this. Also, I just have to tell you how beautiful that song is, I have it on repeat now and I don't think it will come off for a while now ahah.
    xx Juli

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    1. UGH it feels so good to know so many of my readers are on the same page, it's no wonder you found yourselves here at some point somehow! Gosh you're sweet as candy thank you oh so very much. ♥

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  6. One of the (many) quotes I love is "The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel."

    It took me a long time to realise that perhaps the only reason why we all seem to idolise others and then look down on ourselves is because we are the only person that gets to spend 24 hours a day 7 days a week with ourselves. To everyone else we probably seem as flawless as we see them, because they don't know our inner workings or the way it feels to live inside our bodies. We can spend time picking over the things we don't like about ourselves or we can spend it more productively, learning to love ourselves for everything that's great and even the things that aren't so great, because once you learn to love your own company life just gets so much easier. After all, I'm sure we'd rather spend our time with someone that we love than someone we can't stand!

    Perhaps if we all started treating ourselves the same way we would treat a friend we'd be able to accept that our flaws are what makes us, us. xx

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    1. If I've not heard/seen that exact quote before, I've definitely heard/seen a strikingly similar one! And yet it still didn't convince me until I accepted it all on my own, for some reason. A lot of my struggle is about how even though I know for a fact I'm just seeing tidbits of peoples' lives that they feel like sharing, I also know that--from my own perspective of myself without feeling the need to compete with others--I want to make the most of my life. Like, ideally, I want to be so comfortable in my own skin that I can look at someone else and not want to throw everything about myself away to become a clone of that person. Or something like that. I'm flip flopping, am I making any sense at all? I hope so. Thank you so much, Erin, everything you say to me always feels like wise advice from a sweet little owl.

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  7. Lovelovelovelovelove this post. You state so many great facts and your blog always has an ability to make my day a little brighter. :)
    Amy xx

    Perfect Imperfections

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  8. I relate to this post so much! I always feel held back by fear, and ten get annoyed at myself for not reaching my full potential or making the most of life. I think one of the hardest things is to accept that human beings lack the ability to be faultless, and try to appreciate our personal attributes however faulty they are.
    But can I say that what I have seen on this blog, you are amazingly talented in so many ways. For start that song! WOW! I ´m going to be listening to it on repeat. And I bet you have so many other amazing talents that you are hiding or just haven´t recognised yet.

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    1. It makes me really happy that I decided to make this post and share this song because I know how good it feels to have a story to relate to when you're not feeling all that awesome. I totally agree, it seems to be human nature to feel embarrassed by and wish away your faults! Thank you SO much, Martha, you're SO kind! ♥

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  9. Oh my. That song! It's so so SO beautiful ☼
    You're so right. We really shouldn't compare our flaws to other's strengths but we say this a lot easier than we actually do it... I guess we have to realize from time to time that we are unique, both in good and bad ways, and once we accept our imperfections we can love our positively weird sides even more :)
    I hope you'll soon be feeling better again ♥

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    1. Ahhh thank you Susanne! It takes some convincing, but it's so important to be able to accept yourself as who you are in a way that still lets you grow, if that makes any sense. Simply put, I just think it would be a lot easier if people truly wanted to be themselves and not everybody else!

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  10. I am listening to your song and can't stop smiling. :)


    "I'm almost positive that if I was physically on Cloud 9, I'd miss everything because I'd be too concerned about what Cloud 10 is like or if perhaps, deceivingly, Cloud 8 has the fluffier dance floor."
    I feel like this is worthy of being in a book. I laughed a bit at how accurate and clever it is.

    Love you Carly, and I love all the different ingredients, even those that don't taste so good on their own. And I mean, you're right, no one can top being Silkworm's best friend :)

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    1. Keep saying lovely things like that to me and I'll truly end up writing and publishing a book someday. <3 Thank you so much, Meg!

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  11. Definitely lots of awesome neat things about you :)

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  12. I love this post and the way you write from the heart. The image is so beautiful. So sorry about Hadley x

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